#SonofaPitch Entry 8: Wacky Wednesday #TeamDroids

b36ce-soap-finalTitle: Wacky Wednesday

Category and Genre: YA Magical Realism
Word Count: 80000
 
Query:
Switching gender’s with her best friend’s crush was not how Andy planned to spend the last few weeks leading up to prom. Andy has crushed on Taylor all year, and has every intention of asking him to the upcoming prom. The only problem is, it turns out, he’s crushing on her best friend. So she hides to sulk, which is where Kokopelli appears and casts a spell on her.
The next day, she wakes up as guy-Andy. With new and strange body parts, Andy freaks out. She’s never been a dude before! Except, her mom treats her like nothing has changed, and when she goes to school, she’s suddenly Taylor’s best friend. But Taylor already has a best friend, Hayden, and when Hayden appears with long locks and curves, Andy loses it with laughter. 
Together they have to figure out why they are switching and solve Kokopelli’s riddle for them. They grow closer, and although Andy’s best friend is crushing on Hayden, Andy’s feelings switch to him as well. Jealousy flares, and Andy’s insecurities hold her back, making the spell linger. But if Hayden and Andy don’t solve the riddle, they will be stuck switching places every Wednesday.
 
First 250:

The back of Taylor’s head has me mesmerized. Yeah, his face is way better, but since he’s sitting right in front of me, the back of his head works just fine. Those thick, chocolate brown locks, practically screaming for me to run my hand through, his ears poking out ever so slightly, that strong neck, the short, shaved hairs from his recent trim begging to be stroked, those solid shoulders in that grey-blue t-shirt—

Smack!

I glare at my best friend, Hannah, beside me. She grins like an idiot and shakes her head. “You zoned out there.”

“Yeah.” I avert my gaze as Taylor turns to face us.

“What are you guys doing after school?” he asks.

“It’s Tuesday,” Hannah says, tapping her chin, “so, homework? Why? You have something awesome planned?”

He shrugs. “Dunno. Just thinking we could all hang out at the park or something.”

Yes! I give Hannah a look that I hope says it all. Because moments like this around Taylor get me all tongue tied. It’s not that I can’t talk to him, because we talk, usually about sports, but we can hold a conversation. It’s just these, Hey, let’s spontaneously hang out moments that get me all wound up.

Hannah’s sparkle in her eyes tells me she grasped my message. “Sure. We can meet you there at four.”

He winks at us and taps the snare drum. “Awesome.”

As he turns back around, I meet Hannah’s gaze and fan my face. She silently giggles at me.

After school, Hannah and I meet and head to my car. She wraps her arm around mine as she practically skips. “Do you think Taylor will invite Hayden?” She bounces on her toes. “I hope so.”

7 thoughts on “#SonofaPitch Entry 8: Wacky Wednesday #TeamDroids

  1. Pingback: #SonofaPitch Round 2 The Golden Rule and the entries | Elsie Elmore

  2. Query: Okay, first … the premise sounds so cute I love the gender swap and that it helps her get to know someone other than who she was crushing on – kudos ☺ But I think the query needs a little streamlining. I tinkered a bit to give you a few ideas and to help get your creative energies flowing ☺
    Switching genders was not how umpteen-year-old Andy planned to spend the weeks leading up to prom. But sulking over her crush Taylor’s non-interest lands her straight in the (what is he? Wizard? Shaman?) Kokopelli’s path and under his spell. Does he always put spells on people sulking? How do their paths cross?
    Or
    Being overlooked by her long time crush Taylor was not how umpteen yr old Andy wanted to spend the weeks leading up to prom. But she also did plan on switching genders. When sulking over Taylor’s lack of interest, Andy ends up on Kokopellis path…. (is her best friend critical to the query?
    When she wakes up with new and strange body parts, she freaks. While her mom treats her as if nothing has changed, the people at school see her now as Taylor’s best friend. But Taylor already has a best friend, Hayden. When Hayden appears with long locks and curves, Andy loses it with laughter. (is she also panicked?)
    Together, Andy and Hayden must figure out why they are switching and solve Kokopelli’s riddle for them. But being close to Hayden gives Andy a new appreciation of him. But this new interest causes her insecurities to flare and makes the spell stick. (They grow closer, and although Andy’s best friend is crushing on Hayden, Andy’s feelings switch to him as well. Jealousy flares, and Andy’s insecurities hold her back, making the spell linger. – need to amp this up some….) But if Hayden and Andy don’t solve the riddle, they will be stuck switching places every Wednesday. Do they have to solve it and she has to find some self-confidence? And I love that it will repeat just one day a week.)

    So, you’re off to a great start – tinker to add clarity.
    First 250:
    The back of Taylor’s head has me mesmerized. Yeah, his face is way better, but since he’s sitting right in front of me, the back of his head works just fine. Those thick, chocolate brown locks, practically (screaming for – inviting?) me to run my hand through them?, his ears poking out ever so slightly, that strong neck, the short, shaved hairs from his recent trim begging to be stroked, those solid shoulders in that grey-blue t-shirt—
    Smack! (Does the smack sting? Where is she hit?)
    I glare at my best friend, Hannah, beside me. She grins like an idiot and shakes her head. “You zoned out there.”
    “Yeah.” I avert my gaze as Taylor turns to face us.
    “What are you guys doing after school?” he asks.
    “It’s Tuesday,” Hannah says, tapping her chin, “so, homework? Why? You have something awesome planned?”
    He shrugs. “Dunno. Just thinking we could all hang out at the park or something.”
    Yes! I give Hannah a look that I hope says it all. Because moments like this around Taylor get me all tongue-tied. It’s not that I can’t talk to him, because we talk, usually about sports, but we can hold a conversation. It’s just these, Hey, let’s spontaneously hang out moments that get me all wound up.
    The sparkle in Hannah’s eyes tells me she grasped my message. “Sure. We can meet you there at four.”
    He winks at us and taps the snare drum. “Awesome.”
    As he turns back around, I meet Hannah’s gaze and fan my face. She silently giggles at me.
    After school, Hannah and I meet and head to my car. She wraps her arm around mine as she practically skips. “Do you think Taylor will invite Hayden?” She bounces on her toes. “I hope so.”

    I think the dialogue is fun and you’ve definitely established Andy’s interest – Slowing the scene down a bit could give a better feel for the room (I think they are in band because of the snare drum? Could she wish the rows of chairs in band were closer, of that they both played woodwinds so the seats would be side by side? You can use her internal thoughts to help develop a bit of the scene.) I enjoyed the banter but just wanted to go a bit deeper to feel more of the scene because you did a great with set up. Great start. Thanks for sharing your words.

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    • Kudos for entering SOAP. If you have any questions/concerns or want another look at changes/tinkerings/updates or need anything else, just give me a yell. All suggestions and opinions are humbly offered and I thank you for sharing your work!

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  3. Ok, so I lied! I had some down time at work so I did this:

    NEW QUERY:
    Switching genders was not how eighteen-year-old Andy planned to spend the last few weeks leading up to prom. Andy has crushed on Taylor all year, but when sulking over Taylor’s lack of interest, Andy ends up under the mischievous Native American spirit, Kokopelli’s enchantment.
    The next day, she wakes with new and strange body parts. She’s never been a dude before! While her mom treats her as if nothing has changed, the people at school see her now as Taylor’s best friend. But Taylor already has a best friend, Hayden. When Hayden appears with long locks and curves, Andy loses it with laughter at the macho boy in girl form.
    Together, Andy and Hayden have to figure out why they are switching and solve Kokopelli’s riddle for them. Growing closer to Hayden gives Andy a new appreciation of him. But this new interest causes her insecurities to flare and makes the spell stick, especially when her new found male status results in her philandering father returning to her life. But if Hayden and Andy don’t solve the riddle, they will be stuck switching places every Wednesday.

    First 250:
    The back of Taylor’s head has me mesmerized. Yeah, his face is way better, but since he’s sitting right in front of me, the back of his head works just fine. Those thick, chocolate brown locks, practically begging me to run my hand through them, his ears poking out ever so slightly, that strong neck, the short, shaved hairs from his recent trim begging to be stroked, those solid shoulders in that grey-blue t-shirt—
    Smack!
    I glare at my best friend, Hannah, beside me, for the backhanded slap. She grins like an idiot as she tinkered with her flute. “You zoned out there.”
    “Yeah.” I avert my gaze as Taylor turns to face us from the brass section, his trumpet on his knee.
    “What are you guys doing after school?” he asks.
    “It’s Tuesday,” Hannah says, tapping her chin, “so, homework? Why? You have something awesome planned?”
    He shrugs. “Dunno. Just thinking we could all hang out at the park or something.”
    Yes! I give Hannah a look that I hope says it all. Because moments like this around Taylor get me all tongue-tied. It’s not that I can’t talk to him, because we talk, usually about sports, but we can hold a conversation. It’s just these, Hey, let’s spontaneously hang out moments that get me all wound up.
    The sparkle in Hannah’s eyes tells me she grasped my message. “Sure. We can meet you there at four.”
    He winks at us and taps my snare drum. “Awesome.”
    As he turns back around, I meet Hannah’s gaze and fan my face. She silently giggles at me.
    After school, Hannah and I meet and head to my car. She wraps her arm around mine as she practically skips. “Do you think Taylor will invite Hayden?” She bounces on her toes. “I hope so.”

    Like

  4. My opinions are just that…opinions. Please take what works and forget the rest. And I am just going to look at the new versions.

    NEW QUERY:
    Switching genders was not how eighteen-year-old Andy planned to spend the last few weeks leading up to prom. (Ah…Wacky Wednesday…like Freaky Friday!) Andy has crushed on Taylor all year, but when sulking over Taylor’s lack of interest, Andy ends up under the mischievous Native American spirit, Kokopelli’s enchantment. (How? By accident? Umm…I can’t decide if Andy is male or female…and if Taylor is male or female…not that it matters. I just want to know what switching genders means.)
    The next day, she wakes with new and strange body parts. She’s never been a dude before! (I don’t think you need the last sentence. Obviously she hadn’t been a boy before…maybe a bit of the struggle with how things feels and work?) While her mom treats her as if nothing has changed, the people at school see her now as Taylor’s best friend. But Taylor already has a best friend, Hayden. When Hayden appears with long locks and curves, Andy loses it with laughter at the macho boy in girl form. (I’m a little confused…Andy has switched from girl to boy…and Hayden has switched from boy to girl? Was Hayden Taylor’s best friend before? All the names are gender neutral…I think you did that on purpose and it’s pretty cool, though a bit confusing.)
    Together, Andy and Hayden (So they knew each other before?) have to figure out why they are switching and solve Kokopelli’s riddle for them. (What riddle?) Growing closer to Hayden gives Andy a new appreciation of him. But this new interest causes her insecurities to flare and makes the spell stick, especially when her new found male status results in her philandering father returning to her life. But if Hayden and Andy don’t solve the riddle, they will be stuck switching places every Wednesday. (There is a lot in this query…I got lost at the end. What is the main story? Andy becomes a guy to learn what, to face what? What does Andy want? And they switch on Wednesdays? It is a very cool concept! What a great idea! To deal with the differences of each gender, to feel what it is like to be treated as a girl and then as a boy. Really intriguing!)

    First 250:
    The back of Taylor’s head has me mesmerized. Yeah, his face is way better, but since he’s sitting right in front of me, the back of his head works just fine. Those thick, chocolate brown locks, practically begging me to run my hand through them, his ears poking out ever so slightly, that strong neck, the short, shaved hairs from his recent trim begging to be stroked, those solid shoulders in that grey-blue t-shirt—
    Smack! (And there is pain…somewhere?)
    I glare at my best friend, Hannah, beside me, for the backhanded slap. She grins like an idiot as she tinkered with her flute. “You zoned out there.”
    “Yeah.” I avert my gaze as Taylor turns to face us from the brass section, his trumpet on his knee. (What instrument is balanced on the mc’s knee? And usually the flutes sit in front of the trumpets…at least from what I know.)
    “What are you guys doing after school?” he asks. (What color are his eyes? Is he smiling?)
    “It’s Tuesday,” Hannah says, tapping her chin, “so, homework? Why? You have something awesome planned?”
    He shrugs. “Dunno. Just thinking we could all hang out at the park or something.”
    Yes! I give Hannah a look that I hope says it all. Because moments like this around Taylor get me all tongue-tied. It’s not that I can’t talk to him, because we talk, usually about sports, but we can hold a conversation. It’s just these, Hey, let’s spontaneously hang out moments that get me all wound up.
    The sparkle in Hannah’s eyes tells me she grasped my message. “Sure. We can meet you there at four.”
    He winks at us and taps my snare drum. “Awesome.”
    As he turns back around, I meet Hannah’s gaze and fan my face. She silently giggles at me. (Silently giggles?)
    After school, Hannah and I meet and head to my car. She wraps her arm around mine as she practically skips. “Do you think Taylor will invite Hayden?” She bounces on her toes. “I hope so.” (A cute beginning. Could someone say the mc’s name? We know she has a big crush! We know she’s in high school? In the band. Hannah is a great friend. I am interested in seeing what she does with Taylor.)

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  5. NEW QUERY:
    Switching genders was not how eighteen-year-old Andy planned to spend the last few weeks leading up to prom. (Interesting premise and good hook! The ‘last few weeks leading up to prom’ can be streamlined.) Andy has crushed on Taylor all year, but when sulking over Taylor’s lack of interest, Andy ends up under the mischievous Native American spirit, Kokopelli’s enchantment. (Don’t bother with the name. ‘Ends up enchanted by a mischievous Native American spirit.’)

    The next day, she wakes with new and strange body parts. (Wait, Andy is a girl? What’s Taylor? I thought I was reading from a boy’s perspective.) She’s never been a dude before! (Heh, I like this. Gives Andy some voice.) While her mom treats her as if nothing has changed, the people at school see her now as Taylor’s best friend. But Taylor already has a best friend, Hayden. When Hayden appears with long locks and curves, Andy loses it with laughter at the macho boy in girl form. (‘loses it with laughter’ is clunky, but otherwise I like this.)

    Together, Andy and Hayden have to figure out why they are switching and solve Kokopelli’s riddle for them. (This sentence is clunky too. ‘Andy and Hayden must work together to solve the spirit’s riddle and regain their normal genders.’) Growing closer to Hayden gives Andy a new appreciation of him. But this new interest causes her insecurities to flare and makes the spell stick, especially when her new found male status results in her philandering father returning to her life. (Why would her being male bring back her father? Why do we care about his sex life? And can you merge this sentence with the last one so you don’t have to start it with ‘but?’) But if Hayden and Andy don’t solve the riddle, they will be stuck switching places every Wednesday. (Another ‘but’ beginning. And wait, it’s just on Wednesdays? Do they switch places or just genders? They kept the same families, right?)

    I like the premise and the voice, which is more than half the battle. The structure of the query is good, but the word choice is clumsy in places. I’d also try to rewrite the first paragraph in present tense, since the rest of it is in present tense.
    First 250: I continue to like Andy’s voice. The wording needs streamlining, and you have some present/past tense switches in here that need fixing.

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