#SonofaPitch Entry 6: On The Edge #TeamDroids

b36ce-soap-finalTitle: On The Edge
Category and Genre: NA Romance
Word Count: 80000

Query:

Collegiate champion, figure skater, Trace Hayward, is convinced there’s something wrong with her V-dar when she finds out she has fallen madly in love with the wrong man of her dreams. She thought the feelings of blissful love were mutual, until she walks in on him in bed with someone else—one of the running backs from his football team. Her heart is shattered into a million pieces. 

After one night of binge drinking, transferring to another university is the only way Trace can escape the choice she made that night; the night that changed her life.

A new start free from destructive relationships is her plan—until she crashes into a hot-as-the-sun-hockey player while skating. Smoldering sparks heat every inch of her body when she takes one look at him, but Trace has no intention of opening her heart to another cocky a**hole athlete. And she has no problem expressing her explicit annoyance for him and his rude ice etiquette.

 

Captain of the hockey team, Dakota Andersen, gets everything he wants. He never has to work too hard for women, admiration, grades…women. But he wasn’t always such a player. He had the woman he thought he was going to love forever, until he loses her in a tragic accident. Dak can’t get past his responsibility for her death and he can’t forget his lost love—but he’s trying with every puck bunny 

that comes his way. One-night stands of lust-filled sex keep his mind off the past and his heart protected. But when a feisty spitfire collides with him at the rink, the ice around his heart begins to crack.  

 

Maybe Dak and Trace can help each other find a way to let go of their crushing pasts and open their hearts again. That is, if they don’t strangle each other first!

FIRST 250

         I am never going to fall in love again. It’s too…destructive, too fatal. That’s the most important thing I’ve learned in the past god-awful year of my life. It’s time to focus on my future sans sticky relationships that do nothing but screw you over—and not in a good way.

 Close your eyes and imagine in your mind what you want your future to look like. I hear the voice of my therapist, Gail, encouraging me just as she has done a thousand times in the past. Huh, my therapist. Who would’ve thought at twenty-three I’d be saying those words! But my parents insisted I see her, so I reluctantly agreed. In the end I was glad I did.

I don’t see Gail anymore now that I’m at Bernard. But all the support I got from her and my family, in the past year, has gotten me to the point where I’m strong enough to stand on my own; figure things out for myself. Still, the thought of the warmth of Gail’s office and soothing scents of eucalyptus are comforting memories that cross my mind as I open my eyes and stare mindlessly across the shimmering expanse of  ice.

       Shivering, I focus on the mist of my breath as I blow out a big puff of air. This rink is cold—colder. Maybe it’s just my newfound, uncharacteristic fear making it seem like it is. The tons of championship hockey and figure skating banners that decorate the perimeter walls of the rink stand out in the glaring overhead lights. 

20 thoughts on “#SonofaPitch Entry 6: On The Edge #TeamDroids

  1. Pingback: #SonofaPitch Round 2 The Golden Rule and the entries | Elsie Elmore

  2. Query:
    The premise offers lots of potential for conflict and fun banter between Trace and Dak. Thumbs up for rocky starts that lead to good romances! I’m a sucker for those. ☺ I think the query is off to a good start and that you’ve idenitifed the main parts. There are some extra words that could be pared down to sharpen the focus. Here’s a few examples.
    Collegiate champion, figure skater, Trace Hayward falls madly in love with the wrong man of her dreams. When twenty-one year old? walks in on him in bed with someone else—one of the running backs from his football team– her heart shatters.
    Next line confuses me a bit – After one night of binge drinking, transferring to another university is the only way Trace can escape the choice she made that night; the night that changed her life. (is the night the one where she walked in on her ex?)
    A new start free from destructive relationships is her plan—until she crashes into a hot-as-the-sun-hockey player while skating. Smoldering sparks heat every inch of her body when she takes one look at him, but Trace has no intention of opening her heart to another cocky a**hole athlete. And she has no problem expressing her explicit annoyance for him and his rude ice etiquette. – tinkers – Her fresh start has her sworn off athletes and relationships. She’s only going to focus on the ice – until a hot-as-the-sun hockey player enters her court. He’s pretty to look at but she’s supposed to be done with cocky athletes, especially ones with rude ice etiquette ?….

    Captain of the hockey team Dakota Andersen lost the love of his life in a tragic accident. Struggling to get past his responsibility for her death and forget his lost love—he turns to every puck bunny that comes his way to help ease the pain. Being a player wasn’t his goal, but one-night stands keep his mind off the past and his heart protected. But when a feisty spitfire collides with him at the rink, he wonders if the ice around his heart is thick enough? (in lieu of the ice around his heart begins to crack. – to show he’s fighting her?)

    Dak and Trace can help each other find a way to let go of their crushing pasts and open their hearts again. That is, if they don’t strangle each other first!

    I love your phrasings – tinker with the concluding statement and see if you can give it a bit more punch. – maybe use the ice crack analogy here. This is off to a great start!!

    First 250: When I read the last paragraph, I was hooked… and then I wondered about a new starting point– Shivering, I focus on the mist of my breath as I blow out a big puff of air. (love this) This rink is cold—colder. (Good – she’s comparing it to the past) Maybe it’s just my newfound, uncharacteristic fear making it seem like it is. Maybe starting over wasn’t such a good idea? Starts skating? Looks at the tons of championship hockey and figure skating banners that decorate the perimeter walls of the rink and stand out in the glaring overhead lights. Then you could talk about how she’s new here – she could take a lap. And start feeling the pressure of her decisions/life and then think about Gail. Slowly work in the back story as it unfolds.
    Your writing has good flow and the voice is strong, but consider letting the info ease out mixed in with action. It absolutely took off for me once she started moving and I felt more present with her and I would have kept on reading. Awesome stuff ☺ Thanks so much for sharing!!

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    • Kudos for entering SOAP. If you have any questions/concerns or want another look at changes/tinkerings/updates or need anything else, just give me a yell. All suggestions and opinions are humbly offered and I thank you for sharing your work!

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  3. Hi again Elsie,
    I flipped things around and reworded and you were right, the opening paragraphs flow much better. Not sure about how to have her start skating earlier though, since the first time she steps on the ice she forgets to take her guards off and that’s what sets the ball rolling with the MMC. Maybe now that the previous paragraphs flow betterI don’t need to change that?

    Like

      • Okay. Here we go.

        Collegiate champion, figure skater, Trace Hayward, is convinced there’s something wrong with her V-dar when she finds out she has fallen madly in love with the wrong man of her dreams. When twenty-year old, Trace, walks in on him in bed with someone else—one of the running backs from his football team, her heart shatters. After Mr. Wrong convinces her a night of tequila shots with him will fix all their problems, transferring to another university is the only way Trace can escape the choice she made that night; the night that changed her life.
        Her fresh start has her sworn off athletes and relationships. She’s only going to focus on the ice–– until a hot-as-the-sun hockey player enters her rink. He’s pretty to look at but she’s supposed to be done with cocky athletes, especially ones with rude ice etiquette.

        Captain of the hockey team Dakota Andersen lost the love of his life in a tragic accident. Struggling to get past his responsibility for her death and forget his lost love—he turns to every puck bunny that comes his way to help ease the pain. Being a player wasn’t his goal, but one-night stands keep his mind off the past and his heart protected. But when a feisty spitfire collides with him at the rink, he wonders if the ice around his heart is thick enough.

        Maybe Dak and Trace can help each other find a way to let go of their crushing pasts and crack the ice protecting their hearts. That is, if they don’t strangle each other first!

        First 250

        Shivering I focus on the mist of my breath as I blow out a big puff of air. This rink is cold—colder. Maybe it’s just my newfound, uncharacteristic fear making it seem like it is. The tons of championship hockey and figure skating banners that decorate the perimeter walls of the rink stand out in the glaring overhead lights. Here I am. New school. New team. New beginning. I have to make this work: take what I’ve learned, make some changes in my life, and move forward. I pinch my eyes closed and try to think about what I’ve learned and how I want things to change in the future. Wait. What have I learned besides the fact that love sucks?
        I thought I knew all about the—so-called—fuzzy, warm, wonderful, things called love. I so didn’t. I thought I knew what I wanted—what my future held. Nope. I used to be self-assured and completely confident. When I stood in an arena—waiting to perform—I was ready. No nerves. No apprehension. No intimidation. I knew what I needed to do and I did it. It was just my music, the smooth glistening ice and me. –
        All that was BS; before Sean, before my descent into that pit of despair I almost didn’t climb out of. But I did. So even though all the things I thought I knew have evaporated like water on a Phoenix summer sidewalk, there are a few important things I’ve learned to replace them.

        Like

      • I think the updated version reads much stronger. I would still consider some type of motion to break up the thoughts. maybe around the “What have I learned besides the fact that love sucks?
        I thought I knew all about the—so-called—fuzzy, warm, wonderful, things called love.” Nice work!!

        Like

  4. Okay, I went to the blog and got this. I hope these are the latest versions. My opinions are just opinions, please take what works and ignore the rest.

    Query

    Collegiate champion, figure skater, Trace Hayward, is convinced there’s something wrong with her V-dar when she finds out she has fallen madly in love with the wrong man of her dreams. When twenty-year old, Trace, walks in on him in bed with someone else—one of the running backs from his football team, her heart shatters. After Mr. Wrong convinces her a night of tequila shots with him will fix all their problems, transferring to another university is the only way Trace can escape the choice she made that night; the night that changed her life. (The Mr. Wrong and the night that changed her life…feels a bit vague. Is Mr. Wrong a Mr. Make Life Better after having her heart broken wrong…A guy she picks up after finding her bf in bed with someone else? What choice did she make that night that changed her life…I think sex, but was there something worse? She’s transferring so…it was bad? How bad?)

    Her fresh start has her sworn off athletes and relationships. She’s only going to focus on the ice (What about the ice? She is a skater, as in competitions?)–– until a hot-as-the-sun hockey player enters her rink. He’s pretty to look at but she’s supposed to be done with cocky athletes, especially ones with rude ice etiquette. (this is a really good set up for this character! I just have picky questions.)

    Captain of the hockey team Dakota Andersen lost the love of his life in a tragic accident. Struggling to get past his responsibility for her death and forget his lost love—he turns to every puck bunny that comes his way to help ease the pain. Being a player wasn’t his goal, but one-night stands keep his mind off the past and his heart protected. But when a feisty spitfire collides with him at the rink, he wonders if the ice around his heart is thick enough. (Love this! He’s got problems, I like him.)

    Maybe Dak and Trace can help each other find a way to let go of their crushing pasts and crack open the ice protecting their hearts. That is, if they don’t strangle each other first!
    (The decision to let love in or not…to heal or not…a powerful thing. Good work!)

    FIRST 250

    Shivering I focus on the mist of my breath as I blow out a big puff of air. This rink is cold—colder. Maybe it’s just my newfound, uncharacteristic fear making it seem like it is. The tons of championship hockey and figure skating banners that decorate the perimeter walls of the rink stand out in the glaring overhead lights. Here I am. New school. New team. (Team? She’s on…what team?) New beginning. I have to make this work: take what I’ve learned, make some changes in my life, and move forward. (Good set up. Good visuals, good emotion. Im hoping for her!)

    I pinch my eyes closed and try to think about what I’ve learned and how I want things to change in the future. Wait. What have I learned besides the fact that love sucks? (Ah, the wonderful problems don’t just disappear.)

    I thought I knew all about the—so-called—fuzzy, warm, wonderful, things called love. I so didn’t. I thought I knew what I wanted—what my future held. Nope. I used to be self-assured and completely confident. When I stood in an arena—waiting to perform—(I think you can use commas here instead of em dashes) I was ready. No nerves. No apprehension. No intimidation. I knew what I needed to do and I did it. It was just my music, the smooth glistening ice and me. –

    All that was BS; before Sean, before my descent into that pit of despair I almost didn’t climb out of. But I did. So even though all the things I thought I knew have evaporated like water on a Phoenix summer sidewalk, there are a few important things I’ve learned to replace them.
    (Maybe break up the thoughts, with a couple of real life things…Her touching a wall to steady herself. Her pulling on her sweatshirt to straighten it. The sounds around her. Is there anyone else there? Can she hear them or see them? The sound of the air conditioning? Emotionally, I’m in. I am wondering what happened to her and hoping she can heal.)

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    • Thank you so much. I see what you mean about the Mr. Wrong thing and i changed it to make it more clear. Made the other changes you suggested as well. I will revise the blog. Thanks so much for your time and help.

      Like

  5. Revised query
    Collegiate champion, figure skater, Trace Hayward, is convinced there’s something wrong with her V-dar when she finds out she has fallen madly in love with the wrong man of her dreams. When twenty-year old, Trace, walks in on him in bed with someone else—one of the running backs from his football team, her heart shatters. After he convinces her a night of tequila shots will fix all their problems, transferring to another university is the only way Trace can escape the choice she made to follow the rest of his suggestions that night; the night that changed her life.

    Her fresh start has her sworn off athletes and relationships. She’s going to focus strictly on her studies and figure skating–– until a hot-as-the-sun hockey player enters the rink. He’s pretty to look at but she’s supposed to be done with cocky athletes, especially ones with rude ice etiquette.

    Captain of the hockey team Dakota Andersen lost the love of his life in a tragic accident. Struggling to get past his responsibility for her death and forget his lost love—he turns to every puck bunny that comes his way to help ease the pain. Being a player wasn’t his goal, but one-night stands keep his mind off the past and his heart protected. But when a feisty spitfire collides with him at the rink, he wonders if the ice around his heart is thick enough.

    Maybe Dak and Trace can help each other find a way to let go of their crushing pasts and crack the ice protecting their hearts. That is, if they don’t strangle each other first!

    First 250 revised
    Shivering I focus on the mist of my breath as I blow out a big puff of air. This rink is cold—colder. Maybe it’s just my newfound, uncharacteristic fear making it seem like it is. The tons of championship hockey and figure skating banners that decorate the perimeter walls of the rink stand out in the glaring overhead lights. Here I am. New school. New skating team. New beginning. I have to make this work: take what I’ve learned, make some changes in my life, and move forward.
    There are only a couple of skaters on the ice and they’re hockey players, not figure skaters. One of them pushes past me as he comes off the ice. I hear him say, “Excuse me sweetheart.” But I don’t look at him or acknowledge his comment. I just move out of his way.
    Standing there, I pinch my eyes closed, trying to think about what I’ve learned and how I want things to change in the future. Wait. What have I learned besides the fact that love sucks?
    I thought I knew all about the—so-called—fuzzy, warm, wonderful, things called love. I so didn’t. I thought I knew what I wanted—what my future held. Nope. I used to be self-assured and completely confident. When I stood in an arena, waiting to perform, I was ready. No nerves. No apprehension. No intimidation. I knew what I needed to do and I did it. It was just my music, the smooth glistening ice and me.

    Like

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