#SonofaPitch Entry 3: Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker #TeamDroids

b36ce-soap-finalTitle: Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker
Category and Genre: YA Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 80,000

Query:

When it comes to losing her virginity, seventeen-year-old Alex has every intention of waiting for “the one.” Problem is, she’s attracted to trouble. After a traumatic breakup with the local “it” boy leaves her emotionally shattered, she departs from her tiny New Jersey hometown to stay with her cousin, Caleigh, in L.A. hoping to distance herself from boy trouble for the summer.

Enter, Elias King, seventeen-year-old whirlwind with a reputation for tearing through girls and leaving a string of broken hearts behind. Still reeling from a tragic accident that resulted in the death of his girlfriend, Elias relies on drugs, alcohol, and sex to drown his pain.

When Elias’s addictions nearly leave him homeless, his brother offers him a place to stay at his girlfriend Caleigh’s house, complete with roommate tailor-made to clean up his act. Once Alex and Elias find themselves sharing a space under the same roof, their night-and-day personality differences set them on the warpath.

Though Alex and Elias try to deny their intense sexual attraction, a simple bet changes the game. Alex wagers she can keep him sober and one-night-stand free for the rest of the summer, while Elias bets he can steal her heart and her virginity in less than thirty days.

 
First 250 Words:
Dear Nobody,
Today, I socked my therapist in the face. He didn’t call the cops. Maybe he thinks I’m making progress. This journal is supposed to be a start—at least, that’s what he says. But I hate doing what he says so I think I’ll stop here.

-Alex.

Okay, wait, that looks bad. I’ll start over.
Dear Nobody,
I’m not a violent person.
Really.
Ask anybody—except maybe my therapist because he’ll probably tell you I’m lying. The thing is, Dr. Harris just had one of those punch-able faces—mousy, judgmental, portrait of a shrink who knew nothing about genuinely helping people, and everything about making things worse.
Plus, he asked for it—literally.
He said that if I was still angry at my situation I could let it out, so I did. He just wasn’t expecting my way of coping to involve a fist and the bridge of his nose. People say you’re not supposed to hit a girl, but there’s no rule that says you can’t pop a guy if you feel like it. And, I’d felt like it since he started our session.
“Do you still have romantic feelings towards your ex-boyfriend, Alex?”
What do you think?
“Do you blame yourself for the situation?”
No comment.
“Have you forgiven him?”
Are you joking?
“Forgiveness is the first step towards—” and that’s when I hit him.

6 thoughts on “#SonofaPitch Entry 3: Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker #TeamDroids

  1. Pingback: #SonofaPitch Round 2 The Golden Rule and the entries | Elsie Elmore

  2. The premise promises lots of potential conflict between Alex and Elias – a definite plus 🙂 . (really like your choice of names as well 😉 I went through and pulled some words to make it tighter. Tinker with the end. Sounds like Elias doesn’t have much at risk – does losing the player front make him vulnerable? Add some tension and intensity there – but I think this is a fabulous start!

    Seventeen-year-old Alex has every intention of waiting for “the one” to lose her virginity. Her attraction to trouble is making that difficult? (Problem is, she’s attracted to trouble.) After a traumatic breakup (with the local “it” boy- needed?) leaves her emotionally shattered, she departs from her tiny New Jersey hometown to stay with her cousin, Caleigh, in L.A. hoping to distance herself from boy trouble for the summer.

    Elias King, seventeen-year-old whirlwind with a reputation for tearing through girls and leaving a string of broken hearts behind, is still reeling from a tragic accident that resulted in his girlfriend’s death. Drugs, alcohol, and sex help drown his pain until Elias’s addictions nearly leave him homeless. His brother offers him a place to stay at his girlfriend Caleigh’s house, complete with roommate tailor-made to clean up his act.

    Alex and Elias find themselves sharing a space under the same roof and their night-and-day personality differences set them on the warpath. Though Alex and Elias try to deny their intense attraction, a simple bet changes the game. Alex wagers she can keep him sober and one-night-stand free for the rest of the summer, while Elias bets he can steal her heart and her virginity in less than thirty days. (Amp this up a bit) But Elias’s risk about what he would have to lose to win?

    First 250 Words:
    Dear Nobody,
    Today, I socked my therapist in the face. He didn’t call the cops. Maybe he thinks I’m making progress. This journal is supposed to be a start—at least, that’s what he says. But I hate doing what he says (so I think I’ll stop here.
    -Alex.)
    puts down pen and rereads words. Okay, wait, that looks bad. I’ll start over. (since much of this into is through journal entries – this is a spot to enter just a bit of detail surrounding the entry and give a feel of Alex. Does she rip out the page? How does she reset?)
    Dear Nobody,
    I’m not a violent person.
    Really.
    Ask anybody—except maybe my therapist because he’ll probably tell you I’m lying. (The thing is, – needed?) Dr. Harris just had one of those punch-able faces—mousy, judgmental, portrait of a shrink who knew nothing about genuinely helping people, and everything about making things worse. ☺
    Plus, he asked for it—literally.
    He said that if I was still angry at my situation I could let it out, so I did. He just wasn’t expecting my way of coping to involve a fist and the bridge of his nose. (this feels so authentic to me ☺ People say you’re not supposed to hit a girl, but there’s no rule that says you can’t pop a guy if you feel like it. And, I’d felt like it since he started our session.
    “Do you still have romantic feelings towards your ex-boyfriend, Alex?”
    What do you think?
    “Do you blame yourself for the situation?”
    No comment.
    “Have you forgiven him?”
    Are you joking?

    “Forgiveness is the first step towards—” and that’s when I hit him.
    (I love the entries – the evolution, the thoughts, the reasoning, the background slipped in – I am so digging the voice here and would keep reading. For me this approach works. (One concern that comes to mind is whether there will be remorse – I shouldn’t have hit him – when will I be in control?) I would have kept on reading. Great job. Thanks for sharing for your words.

    Like

  3. Kudos for entering SOAP. If you have any questions/concerns or want another look at changes/tinkerings/updates or need anything else, just give me a yell. All suggestions and opinions are humbly offered. Thanks for sharing your work!

    Like

  4. I love your query! The characters are set up perfectly. Elsie hit on a couple of wording changes. I just have one little question… Stakes…what happens if they can’t win these bets? What do they have to lose?

    Of course, all my opinions are my own, take what works for you and forget the rest.

    Dear Nobody,
    Today, I socked my therapist in the face. He didn’t call the cops. Maybe he thinks I’m making progress. This journal is supposed to be a start—at least, that’s what he says. But I hate doing what he says so I think I’ll stop here.
    -Alex.

    Okay, wait, that looks bad. I’ll start over. (bwahahahaha!)
    Dear Nobody,
    I’m not a violent person.
    Really.
    Ask anybody—except maybe my therapist because he’ll probably tell you I’m lying. The thing is, Dr. Harris just had one of those punch-able faces—mousy, judgmental, portrait of a shrink who knew nothing about genuinely helping people, and everything about making things worse.
    Plus, he asked for it—literally.
    He said that if I was still angry at my situation I could let it out, so I did. He just wasn’t expecting my way of coping to involve a fist and the bridge of his nose. People say you’re not supposed to hit a girl, but there’s no rule that says you can’t pop a guy if you feel like it. And, I’d felt like it since he started our session.
    “Do you still have romantic feelings towards your ex-boyfriend, Alex?”
    What do you think?
    “Do you blame yourself for the situation?”
    No comment.
    “Have you forgiven him?”
    Are you joking?
    “Forgiveness is the first step towards—” and that’s when I hit him.

    She’s got spunk! I like her. And I would keep reading because of that. Though I am a little surprised. I didn’t get that she was this way in the query. She is waiting for “The One” and emotionally shattered. Not spicy and spunky and prone to punching therapists.

    Like

  5. SWEET BABY KITTENS, I NEED THIS! More specifically, I need to read more of the girl who punched her therapist in the face. This reminded me of The Duff by Kody Keplinger and The Season by Jonah Lisa Dyer. And those are good things.

    As for a critique, I really don’t have anything to give you. Maybe straighten out the bit about how they will be in the same house as that wasn’t 100% clear in the query.

    Again, I really liked this.

    Like

  6. The blurb for ‘Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker.’ reads easy with building tension (cool title). However, I am still stuck on the thought that the characters are only seventeen-years-old, which many publishers/editors may find taboo if the central character engages in sexual activity prior to the age of eighteen.

    The second paragraph of the blub isn’t as clear-cut as the first. Elias is reeling from a tragic accident that caused the death of his girlfriend, so did he cause the accident? Or was the tragic accident unrelated to any action Elias performed?

    In the third paragraph of the blub, Elias’s addiction nearly leaves him homeless (huge topic in today’s society: drug addiction); however, he ends up living at his brother’s girlfriend’s place, but how is that if she is only seventeen (and he is too)? Does Alex live alone? If so, it is unclear.

    Without knowing if the whole body of work is structured as diary entries, I’m left torn between wanting to hear more about the secrets she pens in her journal and staying in the story in real-time. Using diary entries is an effective and different way to write a novel; however, the piece must remain active enough to keep the reader invested while building tension (show don’t tell).

    The author captured the tone and voice of the teen central character, Alex, in a refreshing way. Her spunk and tenacity drew me in and left me wanting to know more. So, I encourage you to flush out more active scenes in real-time because the dialogue at the end of the excerpt made for an active and intriguing read; whereas, retelling the story (recapping the session) was inactive.

    Good luck.

    April A. Luna

    Like

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