Son of a Pitch Entry #11 – Era of Echoes

b36ce-soap-finalTitle: Era of Echoes
Age and Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 114 000
Query:
When Tristan’s father abandoned him, he thought, good riddance. He often blamed his father for his own lack of wealth, low confidence, and disability. However, in order for the soul of his adoptive mother to escape the body of a living ragdoll, Tristan must search for the parent that cut ties with him almost ten years ago and trapped her.
 
This beckons fifteen year-old Tristan to join the prestigious High Guild, ShiningSaber, to seek evidence of his father’s recent whereabouts. However, his weakness in battle and kind mannerisms spiral his reputation downwards. The finishing blow: he loses a fight against a wimpy girl and is branded Flimsy Whimsy, the loser and laughing stock.
 
In a misguided attempt to improve his reputation, Tristan accidentally injures the one friend who stood up for him, but learns of a life-changing revelation: He is the holder of the Light Angel’s Legacy, soul bounded with her spirit and host of her legendary power, but wanted by an evil organization collecting these war tools for political power. With the help of squadmates Cedric and Saroza, Tristan embarks on a quest to stop the organization from gaining might. Throughout his journey he must face the dark truth about guilds, the oppression of minority groups, and a futile war boiling between dragonriders and equiriders.
 
Tristan knows completing this journey will prove his worth and turnaround his loser reputation. But first he must defeat the organization if he wants any chance to find his father and save his guardian, not to mention stop the organization from tearing the world apart. 
First 250 Words:
With polish smeared on his face and the stench of it clinging to his clothes, Tristan placed the last of the gleaming boots on the counter, surrounded by the other two hundred shoes he had polished that day. He looked for acknowledgment in Mr. Ackley’s face, the owner of the small pseudo-sophisticated shoe store, The Swanky Boot. However, Mr. Ackley’s wrinkled frown only slightly brightened, recognizing not Tristan’s efforts, but a more significant matter, an enticing woman entering his store.
    “Welcome,” Tristan said as he bowed to the woman before addressing Mr. Ackley. “Sir?”
    Mr. Ackley took no notice of Tristan’s gentle tone. Instead, he saved that concentration in a struggle to predict the woman’s age.
    “Mr. Ackley?” Tristan stepped into his line of sight.
    “Bollocks!” the owner hissed. “Shut your trap!” He pushed Tristan aside as the woman sauntered towards the counter.
    Tristan slammed against the wall. As the sole worker of the shop and the only labourer that had to suffer through Mr. Ackley’s judgements and orders, there came a time he used to think he deserved it. He’d almost begged the man to take him in, to rid himself of his old duty of cleaning toilets. Other employers rejected him for his clumsiness or his deference towards customers. “Be firm. Don’t let them haggle!” he was once told during a probationary period at a fruit booth. However, even though Mr. Ackley would rather eat mice than admit it, Tristan’s hardworking ethic had brought in more customers than the owner anticipated.

6 thoughts on “Son of a Pitch Entry #11 – Era of Echoes

  1. Pingback: Son of a Pitch ROUND 2 | Elsie Elmore

  2. First, my disclaimer: All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you.

    Query:
    When **age here?** Tristan’s father abandoned him, he was(is) left with a lack of wealth, low confidence, and a disability?. (The departure had little effect on Tristan, but it trapped the) soul of his adoptive mother in the body of a living ragdoll. (To free her, Tristan must find his father.)

    Fifteen year-old Tristan joins the prestigious High Guild, ShiningSaber, to track down his disappearing dad. However, Tristan’s nonexistant battle skills and kind mannerisms hurt his reputation. When he loses a fight against a wimpy girl, he’s branded Flimsy Whimsy, the loser and laughing stock. Recovery seems futile?

    A misguided attempt to improve his reputation backfires when Tristan accidentally injures the one friend who stood up for him. The incident reveals that Tristan is the holder of the Light Angel’s Legacy. He’s soul bounded with her spirit and host of her legendary power. Tristan’s now in danger as his gift is wanted by an evil organization collecting these war tools for political power. (What will they do with the power? Do they have a name? )

    With the help of squadmates Cedric and Saroza, Tristan embarks on a quest to stop the organization from gaining might. He faces the dark truth about guilds, sees the oppression of minority groups, and encounters a futile war boiling between dragonriders and equiriders.

    Completing this journey will prove Tristan’s worth and turnaround his loser reputation. But if he wants any chance to find his father and save his guardian, first he must defeat the organization before the world’s torn apart. (this is a very clear stake but see paragraph 2 – need to plant the see about this being the plan for the evil organization.)

    I love your writing tone and style, but think the query needs to be a bit punchier and more amped up – less elegant, more exciting.

    First 250 Words:
    With polish smeared on his face and the stench of it clinging to his clothes, Tristan placed the last of the gleaming boots on the counter, surrounded by the other two hundred shoes he had polished that day. He looked for acknowledgment in Mr. Ackley’s face, the owner of the small pseudo-sophisticated shoe store, The Swanky Boot. However, Mr. Ackley’s wrinkled frown only slightly brightened, recognizing not Tristan’s efforts, but a more significant matter, an enticing woman entering his store.
    “Welcome,” Tristan said as he bowed to the woman before addressing Mr. Ackley. “Sir?”
    Mr. Ackley took no notice of Tristan’s gentle tone. Instead, he saved that concentration in a struggle to predict the woman’s age.
    “Mr. Ackley?” Tristan stepped into his line of sight.

    “Bollocks!” the owner hissed. “Shut your trap!” He pushed Tristan aside as the woman sauntered towards the counter.
    Tristan slammed against the wall. As the sole worker of the shop and the only labourer that had to suffer through Mr. Ackley’s judgements and orders, there came a time he used to think he deserved it. He’d almost begged the man to take him in, to rid himself of his old duty of cleaning toilets. Other employers rejected him for his clumsiness or his deference towards customers. “Be firm. Don’t let them haggle!” he was once told during a probationary period at a fruit booth. However, even though Mr. Ackley would rather eat mice than admit it, Tristan’s hardworking ethic had brought in more customers than (the owner delete? Needed?) anticipated.

    For me, this intro reads wonderfully. I like the smart delivery of characterization and the tone of the setting. Just fabulous. Great job! Best of luck.

    Like

  3. Query:
    When Tristan’s father abandoned him, he thought, good riddance. He often blamed his father for his own lack of wealth, low confidence, and disability. However, in order for the soul of his adoptive mother to escape the body of a living ragdoll (OH! That’s interesting! And a little creepy, but I like creepy!), Tristan must search for the parent that cut ties with him almost ten years ago and trapped her. (I assumed the adoptive mother took Tristan in after his father left, but his father trapped her? When? Has she been trapped for ten years? Why is she trapped?)

    This beckons fifteen year-old (Move Tristan’s age to the first paragraph) Tristan to join the prestigious High Guild, ShiningSaber, to seek evidence of his father’s recent whereabouts (Why does he think they can help him? Had his father been part of their group?). However, his weakness in battle and kind mannerisms spiral his reputation downwards. The finishing blow: he loses a fight against a wimpy girl and is branded Flimsy Whimsy, the loser and laughing stock. (Well, that sucks. Poor Tristan.)

    In a misguided attempt to improve his reputation, Tristan accidentally injures the one friend who stood up for him (injures…as in physically or mentally?), but learns of a life-changing revelation: He is the holder of the Light Angel’s Legacy, soul bounded with her spirit and host of her legendary power (How does he learn this?), but wanted by an evil organization collecting these war tools for political power (So the Light Angel’s Legacy is a war tool or just capable of being used that way?). With the help of squadmates Cedric and Saroza, Tristan embarks on a quest to stop the organization from gaining might. Throughout his journey he must face the dark truth about guilds, the oppression of minority groups, and a futile war boiling between dragonriders and equiriders.

    Tristan knows completing this journey will prove his worth and turnaround his loser reputation. But first he must defeat the organization if he wants any chance to find his father and save his guardian, not to mention stop the organization from tearing the world apart. (That’s a lot to do! Whew! But I’ll go on this journey! Sounds like magical fun.

    First 250 Words:
    With polish smeared on his face and the stench of it clinging to his clothes, Tristan placed the last of the gleaming boots on the counter, surrounded by the other two hundred shoes he had polished that day. He looked for acknowledgment in Mr. Ackley’s face, the owner of the small pseudo-sophisticated shoe store, The Swanky Boot (Good name! Lol!). However, Mr. Ackley’s wrinkled frown only slightly brightened, recognizing not Tristan’s efforts, but a more significant matter, an enticing woman entering his store.
    “Welcome,” Tristan said as he bowed to the woman before addressing Mr. Ackley. “Sir?”
    Mr. Ackley took no notice of Tristan’s gentle tone. Instead, he saved that concentration in a struggle to predict the woman’s age (Is he saying this aloud? How does Tristan know his boss is doing this?).
    “Mr. Ackley?” Tristan stepped into his line of sight.
    “Bollocks!” the owner hissed. “Shut your trap!” He pushed Tristan aside as the woman sauntered towards the counter.
    Tristan slammed against the wall (This took me by surprise. He pushed him aside doesn’t seem like that would slam him against the wall). As the sole worker of the shop and the only labourer that had to suffer through Mr. Ackley’s judgements and orders, there came a time he used to think he deserved it. (I wonder why he thinks this…) He’d almost begged the man to take him in, to rid himself of his old duty of cleaning toilets. Other employers rejected him for his clumsiness or his deference towards customers. “Be firm. Don’t let them haggle!” he was once told during a probationary period at a fruit booth. However, even though Mr. Ackley would rather eat mice than admit it, Tristan’s hardworking ethic had brought in more customers than the owner anticipated.

    ~Well, I don’t like Mr. Ackley! I like how Tristan is shown as a hard worker. I wonder about adding a slight bit about how he has no one but himself, his dad left long ago and his mom (or guardian or whatever she is)…is well, not capable of taking care of him…for reasons…give us a hint that something is off and why he is out working, why he tried so hard to get a job. A solid beginning!

    Like

  4. Maeeda, Thank you so much for participating in SOAP this week and sharing your work. I so enjoyed reading about Tristan and hope the feedback helps (or not).
    I’d love to read this story. Please keep me posted on Tristan’s successes. All the best.

    Like

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