Son of a Pitch Entry #10 – Soul Bound

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Title: SOUL BOUND 
Category and Genre: YA Urban Fantasy 

Word Count: 83,000


Query:

Falon shares her mind and body with another soul. And they don’t always get along.

Being soul bound means Falon is constantly fending off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body and resisting her animal urges. It also means she’s never alone. And when belonging among humans is difficult, it’s always good to have a friend. But their peaceful life protecting their forest is sent into upheaval when two supernatural strangers show up, after Falon’s blood.

Falon and Wolf become trapped in a lethal game of cat and mouse. And their kind have been the mice for centuries. Murdered for being a threat or exploited as a weapon, soul binders are caught in the middle of a supernatural war for power. And Falon is the tide-changer both sides are after.

This is no battle of good versus evil. There is only evil. And though joining a side might mean Falon can save her kind, joining the wrong side could mean she dooms them all to extinction.


First 250 Words:

Even from here I can feel their heartbeats, thumping quickly inside their chests. I can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.

They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers. I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet.

My toes sink noiselessly into the damp dirt, the calloused soles of my feet numb to the muddy grit. Energy from the Earth passes from the ground into my feet, teeming with life that I can’t see, but can feel around me. I am one with everything, one with the souls of the animals and trees that I share this forest with.

And these poachers don’t belong.

                I part the waxy leaves of a giant fern and can see them, swatting at mosquitoes and toeing the prints from a boar in the dirt.

                Attack, Wolf says, pushing me forward.

Beads of sweat bubble up on my forehead as I keep my feet firmly planted, resisting her control. It’s always a fight over control. Not yet.

She storms around in my mind, her anxiousness making my temples throb.

                A poacher turns in my direction and I shrink back into the shadows. The thick treetops of pines, oaks, and sabal palms, draped in Spanish moss, dilute any light from the moon.

16 thoughts on “Son of a Pitch Entry #10 – Soul Bound

  1. First, my disclaimer: All suggestions are IMHO and are meant to be thought provoking. Take ‘em, leave ‘em. This is your rodeo, so it’s up to you.

    Query:
    (Age?) Falon shares her mind and body with another soul. And they don’t always get along.
    (Tinkering? : Sharing her mind and body with another soul challenges XX year old Falon since she and Wolf don’t always get along. Falon constantly fends off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body and resists her animal urges swelling inside of her? Despite the challenge, Falon treasures Wolf’s loyalty, her companionship and the sanctuary being soul bound provides when belonging among humans becomes too difficult.
    But when supernatural strangers show up after Falon’s blood, their peaceful life protecting the forest is turned up side down. Soul binders have been caught in the middle of a war for power and Falon’s type has been murdered for being a threat or exploited as a weapon.
    Trapped in a lethal game of cat and mouse, Falon and Wolf have little chance of shedding their kind’s timeless role as the mice. This is no battle of good versus evil. There is only evil. Tempted to join a side to save her kind, Falon runs the risk of joining the wrong side and dooming them all to extinction. (That’s definitely a stake!)

    I tinkered to give you new thoughts on phrasing. The whole soul binding concept is fascinating!

    First 250 Words:
    Even from here I can feel their heartbeats, thumping quickly inside their chests. I can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.
    They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers. I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet.
    My toes sink noiselessly into the damp dirt, the calloused soles of my feet numb to the muddy grit. Energy from the Earth passes from the ground into my feet, teeming with life that I can’t see, but can feel around me. I am one with everything, one with the souls of the animals and trees that I share this forest with.
    And these poachers don’t belong.
    I part the waxy leaves of a giant fern and can see them, swatting at mosquitoes and toeing the prints from a boar in the dirt.
    Attack, Wolf says, pushing me forward.
    Beads of sweat bubble up on my forehead as I keep my feet firmly planted, resisting her control. It’s always a fight over control. Not yet.( I tell her?)
    She storms around in my mind, her anxiousness making my temples throb. (love this figurative and literal application ☺
    A poacher turns in my direction and I shrink back into the shadows. The thick treetops of pines, oaks, and sabal palms, draped in Spanish moss, dilute any light from the moon.

    You do a great job at describing the surroundings and make the reader feel present in this scene. The intro takes off when Wolf enters the picture and the inner struggle begins. Maybe consider reducing a bit of the descriptions or weave them in as the struggle with Wolf begins. – for me, that was the real hook of the intro. Very well done!! Best of luck ☺

    Like

  2. Okay, I tinkered! Just added a few things to the first half to set up Wolf’s personality and introduce them as a two-for-one deal, lol! Does this feel better? (the ** indicate italics, and the () = changes)

    Even from here (we) can feel their heartbeats, thumping quickly inside their chests. (We) can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.
    *Poachers,* Wolf says, watching them through my eyes.
    They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers.
    *Stupid poachers,* she amends.
    I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet. (A canine hooks over my lip as I grin. She’s right. This is almost too easy.)

    Like

  3. Query…
    Falon shares her mind and body with another soul (define the soul here…I immediately thought of a ghost/posession, so when it turns out to be Wolf it threw me off). And they don’t always get along. (Super cool!)
    (Being soul bound- put this at the beginning of para one? Being soul bound, Falon shares her mind and body with Wolf, her other half…something something you know this better than I do! Then this second para can go right into Falon constantly fends off Wolf’s attempts to take control…) means Falon is constantly fending off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body and resisting her animal urges. It also means she’s never alone. And when belonging among humans is difficult, it’s always good to have a friend. (But their peaceful life protecting their forest- I had to read this a couple of times, for some reason my brain couldn’t interpret all the words maybe it’s the two “their”s? You could always do…Two supernatural (supernatural how?) strangers move into the forest, disturbing their peace) is sent into upheaval when two supernatural strangers show up, (after Falon’s blood- Just for impact, maybe make this its own sentence… And these strangers (maybe a bit of description) are after Falon’s blood).

    Falon and Wolf become trapped in a lethal game of cat and mouse. And their kind have been the mice for centuries. Murdered for being a threat or exploited as a weapon, soul binders (more soul binders? There are more?) are caught in the middle of a supernatural war for power. And Falon is the tide-changer both sides are after (Why? What makes her special?).

    This is no battle of good versus evil. There is only evil. (and my little heart of darkness jumps for joy!) And though joining a side might mean Falon can save her kind, joining the wrong side could mean she dooms them all to extinction. (NOOOOO!)

    First 250 Words: with changes… 🙂

    Even from here we can feel their heartbeats, thumping (quickly-needed?) inside their chests. We can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my (our?) body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.
    *Poachers,* Wolf says, watching them through my eyes.
    They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers.
    *Stupid poachers,* she amends. (Haha! Does the other half have any thoughts here?)
    I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet. A canine hooks over my lip as I grin. She’s right. This is almost too easy. (I assume you’ll keep going with the “we” thing cause BRILLIANCE!)

    My toes sink noiselessly into the damp dirt, the calloused soles of my feet numb to the muddy grit. Energy from the Earth passes from the ground into my feet (repeat of “feet”), teeming with life that I can’t see, but can feel around me. I am one with everything, one with the souls of the animals and trees that I share this forest with. (nice!)

    And these poachers don’t belong. (And they are angry? The need to protect driving them?)

    I part the waxy leaves of a giant fern and can see them, swatting at mosquitoes and toeing the prints from a boar in the dirt.

    Attack, Wolf says, pushing me forward.

    Beads of sweat bubble up on my forehead as I keep my feet firmly planted, resisting her control. It’s always a fight over control. Not yet.

    She storms around in my mind, her anxiousness making my temples throb.

    A poacher turns in my direction and I shrink back into the shadows. The thick treetops of pines, oaks, and sabal palms, draped in Spanish moss, dilute any light from the moon. (nice description!)

    ~Great opening! I love the change to we. Gives it a unique feel. Good description really puts me there. Sounds like a fun read!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OKAY! PHEW! Tinkering complete! These are the newest versions 🙂 I am so unsure about whether or not to just come out and say that the supernaturals that show up are a vampire and a werewolf… I had been of the mindset that leaving them out of the query might give my pages a chance (as agents still seem put off by the “v-word,” but I don’t know if I can get away with the vagueness that’s their right now? Advice would be SO APPRECIATED!

    NEW QUERY:

    18-year-old Falon is soul bound. She shares her mind and body with her other soul, Wolf. And they don’t always get along.

    Falon is constantly fending off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body and resisting her animal urges. It also means she’ll always have a loyal, ill-mannered, pain in the ass best friend. But their quiet life protecting the forest is shattered when two supernatural strangers show up. And they’re after Falon’s blood.

    Falon and Wolf are trapped in a lethal game of cat and mouse, a game that soul binders have been involuntarily playing for centuries. Murdered for being a threat, or exploited as a weapon, their kind are caught in the middle of a war for power over the supernatural underworld. Falon’s blood is the tide-changer both sides are after. One that could end it all for good.

    This is no battle of good versus evil. There are only evils. Joining a side might mean Falon can save her kind. But joining the wrong side could mean she dooms them all to extinction.

    NEW 250:

    Even from here we can feel their heartbeats, thumping inside their chests. We can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.

    *Poachers*, Wolf says, watching them through my eyes.

    They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers.

    *Stupid poachers*, she amends.

    I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet. A canine hooks over my lip as I grin. She’s right. This is almost too easy.

    My toes sink noiselessly into the damp dirt, the calloused soles of my feet numb to the muddy grit. Energy from the Earth passes from the ground into my feet, teeming with life that I can’t see, but can *feel* around me. I am one with everything, one with the souls of the animals and trees that I share this forest with.

    And these poachers do *not* belong.

    I part the waxy leaves of a giant fern and can see them, swatting at mosquitoes and toeing the prints from a boar in the dirt.

    *Attack*, Wolf growls, pushing me forward.

    Beads of sweat bubble up on my forehead as I keep my feet firmly planted, resisting her control. It’s always a fight over control.

    *Not yet*, I tell her. *Haven’t you heard that patience is a virtue?*

    *No.*

    *Well apparently it is.*

    Like

      • “And they don’t always get along.” love that – just brilliant

        “*Poachers*, Wolf says, watching them through my eyes.” my eyes! Yesh!

        And then more good stuff.

        This was such a strong premise from the start but you truly enhanced it. Excellent work. 🙂 Yay

        And here’s my unqualified answer to the other question: Reading your query, I don’t find it vague because you don’t use the word vampire. The premise is interesting and presented well. I say roll the dice. Unless the agent says they abhor vampires more than the plague, I’d let them judge. Who knows… your ms might be the one to change their mind 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello! This is an engrossing concept and great writing.
    Query:
    I’d change itup a bit, condense it, something like this:

    18-year-old Falon is soul bound. She shares her mind and body with her other soul, Wolf. Falon has to constantly resist her animal urges and fend off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body, but at least she’ll always have a loyal, ill-mannered, pain in the ass best friend.

    Their quiet life protecting the forest is shattered when two supernatural strangers show up. And they’re after Falon’s blood.

    Soul binders are caught in the middle of a centuries-long war for power over the supernatural underworld, in which Falon and her kind are murdered as threats or exploited as weapons. Falon’s blood is the tide-changer both sides are after. One that could end it all for good.

    This is no battle of good versus evil. There are only evils. Joining the war might mean Falon can save her kind. But joining the wrong side could mean she dooms them all to extinction.

    250
    A canine hooks over my lip as I grin. [Are her canines growing, or are they always there?] She’s right. [These intruders aren’t the smartest.] This is almost too easy.

    Hope some of my suggestions might be helpful.

    Like

  6. Ok! So I’m FINALLY getting onto this. Here are my thoughts using your revised query.

    18-year-old (SPELL OUT numbers) Falon is soul bound. She shares her mind and body with her other soul, Wolf. And they don’t always get along.

    Falon is constantly fending off Wolf’s attempts to take control of her body and resisting her animal urges. It also means she’ll always have a loyal, ill-mannered, pain in the ass best friend. But their quiet life protecting the forest is shattered when two supernatural strangers show up. (I’d make this a comma so you’re not starting a sentence with “and”) And they’re after Falon’s blood.

    Falon and Wolf are trapped in a lethal game of cat and mouse, a game that soul binders have been involuntarily playing for centuries. Murdered for being a threat, or exploited as a weapon, their kind are caught in the middle of a war for power over the supernatural underworld. Falon’s blood is the tide-changer both sides are after. One that could end it all for good.

    This is no battle of good versus evil. There are only evils. Joining a side might mean Falon can save her kind. But joining the wrong side could mean she dooms them all to extinction.

    ~~I think your query is in really good shape. Well done! You’ve done a great job using the feedback you received to sharpen this up and make it clear and show the stakes.~~

    NEW 250:

    Even from here we can feel their heartbeats, thumping inside their chests. We can hear their labored breaths and see their faces moist and glistening with humidity. They have no idea they’re being watched, my body blending in with the thick, deep darkness of the inner forest of the Refuge.

    *Poachers*, Wolf says, watching them through my eyes.

    They were easy to track, the stench of alcohol and sweat, their heavy boot prints and tire tracks, all glaring evidence of trespassers.

    *Stupid poachers*, she amends.

    I shuffle closer, carefully choosing each place to set my feet. A canine hooks over my lip as I grin. She’s right. This is almost too easy.

    My toes sink noiselessly into the damp dirt, the calloused soles of my feet numb to the muddy grit. Energy from the Earth passes from the ground into my feet, (be careful of repetitive words. You use “feet” really close together here) teeming with life that I can’t see, but can *feel* around me. I am one with everything, one with the souls of the animals and trees that I share this forest with. (Should end a sentence with a “with”. restructure it slightly to say something like: “and trees with whom I share this forest”)

    And these poachers do *not* belong.

    I part the waxy leaves of a giant fern and can see them,(how exactly? This is passive) swatting at mosquitoes and toeing the prints from a boar in the dirt.

    *Attack*, Wolf growls, pushing me forward.

    Beads of sweat bubble up on my forehead as I keep my feet firmly planted, resisting her control. It’s always a fight over control.

    *Not yet*, I tell her. *Haven’t you heard that patience is a virtue?*

    *No.*

    *Well apparently it is.*

    ~~Excellent job again. You are definitely well on your way. What you have here should work for you, with maybe a few minor adjustments which I noted above. Good luck!~~

    Like

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