#SonOfAPitch – ENTRY #7 – SUPERNOVA FALL, SUPERNOVA FLY

b36ce-soap-final#7

Title: Supernova Fall, Supernova Fly

Category and Genre: YA contemporary
Word Count : 79,000
 
Query :

Sixteen-year-old Krishna Covalho lost her memories the same day her best friend Emily died. Krishna, who is now an insomniac, is in regular therapy and makes all her decisions by a magic 8- Ball. And in the unlikely case she does fall asleep, she wakes up from terrible nightmares and thinks she sees demons everywhere.

   

 But even her 8-Ball can’t predict when one night her neighbor and infamous troublemaker Novahk McAllister walks into her life thus beginning an unlikely friendship and maybe more.

 

When a video showing Emily in a compromising situation surfaces at school, everything Krishna knew about her best friend is shaken to its core. Was Emily really in an accident, as her parents keep telling her or is the truth something else entirely? Because it seems now that her repressed memories have everything to do with Emily and the circumstances surrounding her death.

 

Krishna becomes determined to find out the truth about Emily enlisting Novahk’s help in the way. But Novahk has secrets of his own, of the night when everything went wrong, and the very thing that might drive him and Krishna apart. As Krishna’s nightmares escalate into horrible flashbacks, she’s forced to confront her part in her best friend’s death.  Now Krishna must decide if she’s finally brave enough to forgive herself and let go of her past. 

 

First 250 words

Normal people are asleep. It’s two in the morning and normal people are dreaming, maybe of picnics or flying unicorns or other normal stuff, like getting the perfect grade or that big promotion.

I am wide awake, my comforter wrapped around me as I surf through Netflix for another movie to watch. I am not normal people.

Sometimes I wish I could be. Normal. I know the spelling: N-O-R-M-A-L. I know its meaning, but somewhere between the beginning of junior year and the night I can’t remember, I lost the essence of it.

Maybe Godzilla will finally put me to sleep or maybe it will be the evil Jack trying to kill his family that does the trick. When I do fall asleep in an unlikely scenario, my dreams are always a sliver of reality and blurred images. Nothing happens except for loud noises punctuated by murky colors. Sometimes I hear a scream, but it’s far away. And then the demon creeps in. It’s it that I am afraid of. Sometimes it slips out of my nightmares and into my reality, lying and waiting to catch me.

A sharp knock comes and I almost jump out of my skin.

Are the demons getting braver? I ask myself as I look around for the source. Maybe I’ll die as a cliché with a hand coming out of my bed and dragging me under.

Then there comes another sound, from the windows no less. The shutter is drawn so I can’t see who or what is outside.

 
***Note: Please do not comment on other entrants’ posts, only your own. You can bribe, coax, share, tweet, and do whatever to your entry, but you cannot comment on anyone else’s.***

8 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch – ENTRY #7 – SUPERNOVA FALL, SUPERNOVA FLY

  1. Pingback: Son of a Pitch Contest – Week 2: My ten entries | Elsie Elmore

  2. Your query delivers the goods. A bit more polish and editing will make this baby lethal.

    I tinkered with some words and added questions. Analyze the value of each sentence.

    Sixteen-year-old Krishna Covalho lost her memories the same day her best friend Emily died. Krishna now an insomniac in therapy, makes all her decisions by a magic 8- Ball. And in the unlikely case she does fall asleep, she wakes up from terrible(aren’t they all?) nightmares and thinks she sees demons everywhere. (nightmare and lurking demons terrorize her.? Tinker here)

    But even her 8-Ball can’t predict when one night her neighbor and infamous troublemaker Novahk McAllister walks into her life (thus beginning an unlikely friendship and maybe more. – what if you omit this part…)

    When a video showing Emily in a compromising situation surfaces at school, everything Krishna knew about her best friend is shaken to its core (questioned?threatened?). Was Emily really in an accident, as her parents keep telling her or is the truth something else entirely? (Because it seems now that – need?) Convinced her repressed memories have everything to do with Emily and the circumstances surrounding her death, Krishna becomes determined to find out the truth. She enlists Novahk’s help. But Novahk has secrets of his own from the night everything went wrong. Maybe make this next line a standalone – and the very thing that might drive him and Krishna apart. (Streamline this sentence a bit) As Krishna’s nightmares escalate into horrible flashbacks, she’s forced to confront her part (role?) in her best friend’s death. Now Krishna must decide if she’s finally brave enough to forgive herself and let go of her past. (Tinker to amplify or maybe remove this last sentence…. )

    First 250
    I added notes while reading your first 250.

    Normal people are asleep. It’s two in the morning and normal people are dreaming, (would delete this next part – slows down tense opening maybe of picnics or flying unicorns or other normal stuff, like getting the perfect grade or that big promotion.)
    I am wide awake, my comforter wrapped around me as I surf through Netflix for another movie to watch. I am not normal people.
    Sometimes I wish I could be. Normal. I know the spelling: N-O-R-M-A-L. I know its meaning, but somewhere between the beginning of junior year and the night I can’t remember, I lost the essence of it.
    Maybe Godzilla will finally put me to sleep or maybe it will be the evil Jack trying to kill his family that does the trick. When I do fall asleep in an unlikely scenario, my dreams are always a sliver of reality and blurred images. Nothing happens except for loud noises punctuated by murky colors. Sometimes I hear a far away scream. And then the demon creeps in. (It’s it that – That’s what terrifies me?) I am afraid of.) Sometimes it slips out of my nightmares and into my reality, lying and waiting to catch me. (Love this right here- can you elaborate or tie it back to the previous statement. – What terrifies me the most is when the demon slips out of my nightmares and into my reality. Super spooky)
    A sharp knock comes and I almost jump out of my skin. (Ditch the almost – make her come out of her skin or find another way to describe how she flinched)
    Are the demons getting braver? I ask myself as I look around for the source. Have they been testing her? Maybe I’ll die as a cliché with a hand coming out of my bed and dragging me under.
    Then there comes another sound, from the windows no less. (How is she certain?) The shutter is drawn so I can’t see who or what is outside.(show this – the drawn shutters hides/blocks what there but… or The drawn shutter keeps me from…)

    You left me wanting to read more.

    Best of luck! If you have questions, give me a yell. 🙂

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    • Thank you. A published author taking the time to go through my entry means a lot. I have edited my query and 250 words according to your suggestions!

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  3. This is wonderful. Some nitpicking:
    Query: First sentence, I do: “…lost her memories the same day she lost her best friend in a tragic accident.” Might even say it’s an accident she can’t remember.

    “…who is now an insomniac..” doesn’t flow, seems telly, though I’d say “now plagued by insomnia” which is just as telly, I guess.

    “Thinks she sees demons everywhere.” Especially since this is told in first person…and since I’m also more tetchy about this stuff than I should be…I think you should just say “sees demons”. You don’t have to emphasize that your MC is crazy…believe me, and welcome to my real life – they’re going to think that no matter what. Keep us in your MC’s head.

    Too many names. I might take out Emily, and just say “best friend”, just have your MC’s and the dude’s name.

    “Krishna becomes determined…” I’d tighten this sentence to “Krishna enlists Novahk’s help to find the truth about her best friend’s death.” The “determined’ part is assumed.

    Ok, 250: You use “normal” too many times. I understand why, but I’d remedy this.

    Otherwise, I personally would change nothing.

    Good work, and thanks for your diverse character 🙂

    Thank you for your entry!

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  4. You got some good feedback here, and while what I read still needs work, I’m still giving you my VOTE. Good luck revising! If you want follow up query help, feel free to email me, leighstatham23 * gmail. Cheers!

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    • Omg! Thank you so much.I tweaked my query a bit and yes,yes I am definitely taking up on your offer.Thank you again.You just made my day :))

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  5. Follow the generous feedback and you’ll have your polished query exactly where you want it! Good luck and congratulations on your participation in Son of a Pitch – your hard work speaks volumes regarding your courage and willingness to follow your dreams and achieve your goals!

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