#SonOfAPitch – ENTRY #5 – HUNTER

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Title: HUNTER
Age and Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 52,000
 
Query:

When sixteen year old Hunter’s growing telepathic ability gets her on the government’s radar, her partner puts a gun to her head to silence the secrets of their agency that are locked in her mind. Fortunately for her, it’s not her time to die.

 

Surviving means making an unlikely friend with a government agent named Seeker. He’s the same agent that caused her partner to turn on her in the first place and he has a mission of his own. Bring Hunter back to the PIT alive to face judgment for the multitude of murders she’s had a part of.

 

After nearly escaping the PIT with a rogue telepath and having her thoughts pilfered for information against her will, Hunter learns that if she wants to clear her name she must put her life on the line to bring down Talon, the agency she used to work for.

 

With each passing hour becoming more perilous, Hunter must decide who to trust before her next mission becomes her last.

 
First 250 Words:

I was a type one telepath, a mind reader. I found the trail in people’s thoughts that led me to the bounty. Currently I was freezing to death in the middle of Seattle Washington, where the sun didn’t shine and the rain came and went like waves on the shore. I was searching for a mark that was proving to be a pain in my ass. It had been three weeks since we had taken the job and today was the closest we had been to finding her, to finding Dawn Miles.

            My heart skipped a beat when the com in my ear buzzed. “Hunter, we’re running out of time. You know what happens if someone else gets to Miles before we do. All this work would be for nothing.”

            In the bounty hunter line of work, you never knew who else was out there searching for the same prize, especially when one paid as well as this did. I exhaled and tried to calm my nerves. This one wasn’t going to get away.

            “I’m trying. There are a lot of minds to sift through.” I spoke quietly to my partner Bear, trying not to look like a crazy person. My mind was lost in the sea of people, drifting through their inner monologues, almost losing myself in their stories. Sweat dripped from my temples as I pulled myself from almost passing out.

***Note: Please do not comment on other entrants’ posts, only your own. You can bribe, coax, share, tweet, and do whatever to your entry, but you cannot comment on anyone else’s.***

14 thoughts on “#SonOfAPitch – ENTRY #5 – HUNTER

  1. Pingback: Son of a Pitch Contest – Week 2: My ten entries | Elsie Elmore

  2. BAM – The first sentence of your query kills it.
    Only suggestion is to replace the word “gets” with “lands”
    Here are other thoughts:
    Surviving means making an unlikely friend with a government agent named Seeker. He’s the same agent that caused her partner to turn on her in the first place and he has a mission of his own. Bring Hunter back (to the PIT – is this critical here?) alive to face judgment for her role in a multitude of murders she’s had a part of.

    After nearly escaping the PIT(what is this?) with a rogue telepath (is this Seeker?) and having her thoughts pilfered for information against her will, Hunter learns that if she wants to clear her name she must put her life on the line to clear her name and to bring down Talon, her former agency she used to work for.

    With each passing hour becoming more perilous (why? Bounty on her head? More people searching for her?), Hunter must decide who to trust before (her next – is it this one?) mission becomes her last. (Want to tie back into your clever line of “her time to die”?)

    First 250
    Hunter comes across as a kick-ass kind of girl but the first sentence doesn’t grab me because it just states the facts. Try combining that information with other details you’ve used. For example: As a type one telepath, you’d think I had the skills not to end up freezing to death in the middle of Seattle, Washington.
    And then dive in, taking me with you 🙂

    Your story vibe feels strong and your query nails it. Look for ways to polish the first 250 a bit (like eliminating tiny words and rephrasing to strengthen.) Solid start!

    best of luck! if you have questions, give me a yell. 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you for your amazing words. I’ve always found the query to be the hardest part of writing and this query has had a lot of thought put into it. Its good to hear all that hard work has gone to good use.

      I’m going to take some time today to look at my first 250 words again and see what I can come up with to make my opening line just as exciting as my query. Thanks for taking the time to look at all the entries you have on your blog and giving feedback. I know we all appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely! And your post was one where my comments got a bit wonky.
        Here’s the sentence that pasted horribly as far as edits go –
        Hunter learns she must put her life on the line to clear her name and to bring down Talon, her former agency.

        🙂

        Like

  3. So I took out the whole thing about the PIT. As I was getting into it, I realized I didn’t really need it. The paragraph flowed well without it.

    I was wondering though if you could give me some thoughts on my new last paragraph?

    With each passing hour throwing her deeper into the game of life and death, Hunter must decide who to trust before this mission becomes her last.

    Like

    • This is good 🙂 Perilous wasn’t bad either – by the way. I even like perilous with a verb boost:
      Each passing hour becomes more perilous and Hunter must decide who to trust before this mission becomes her last.
      I think either option is strong.
      (and it may be easier to determine once you roll out the updated one 🙂

      Also noticed another sentence that wasn’t properly transferred today. (I copied everything into Word and made my suggestions. When I brought notes over, all strikethroughs were ignored. With that being said –

      Bring Hunter back (to the PIT – is this critical here?) alive to face judgment for her role in a multitude of murders.

      🙂

      Like

  4. Hello! I’m seeing your comment above, and I’m glad you took out the stuff about the PIT because I didn’t know what it was and didn’t have a clear enough idea from your query. If you’ve been able to make due without it, that’s probably going to solve my only big problem with the query. I also like your new last line.

    The first sentence, I’d do like this:
    When sixteen year old Hunter’s growing telepathic ability lands her on the government’s radar, her partner puts a gun to her head to silence their agency’s secrets, which are locked in her mind.

    250: Seattle! My home sweet home. You there now? I’m heading up to play a show at Fred Wildlife on March 10 #ShamelessSelfPromotion. Anyway, the last sentence, I’d change simply to “closest we’d gotten to finding Dawn Miles.”

    I don’t really have any other comments. This is really interesting 🙂

    Thank you for your entry!

    Like

    • Thanks for the boost of confidence today! I’m actually from Portland, Oregon, but we have family in Seattle and I used to go there a lot as a kid. I have a deep love for the area and its people.

      I’ll go back and take a look at my 250 and the last line of the first paragraph. I was wondering if it was too much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • PORTLAND. I was born there, as my hippie parents traveled through in a van (my dad is a musician). Classic Portland story…my daughter was born there, too, when I went back. That place has a definite vibe.

        Like

  5. Very strong premise and the first 250 dive us right into the action, which is awesome!

    Here are my thoughts:

    When sixteen year old Hunter’s growing telepathic ability gets her on the government’s radar, her partner (partner in what? I gathered from the 250 that she’s a bounty hunter, but this isn’t clear in the query. Partner could mean a lot of things.) puts a gun to her head to silence the secrets of their agency (LOVE this line!) that (secrets of their agency locked in her mind works too I think) are locked in her mind. Fortunately for her, it’s not her time to die.

    Surviving means making an unlikely friend with a government agent named Seeker. He’s the same agent that caused her partner to turn on her in the first place (insert comma) and he has a mission of his own. Bring Hunter back to the PIT alive to face judgment for the multitude of murders she’s had a part of. (I saw that you took out the PIT from your comment, but do you keep the murders? This is a woh moment for me. Maybe throw in that she’s being accused? This just sounds like she’s guilty.)

    After nearly escaping the PIT with a rogue telepath and having her thoughts pilfered for information against her will, Hunter learns that if she wants to clear her name she must put her life on the line to bring down Talon, the agency she used to work for.

    With each passing hour becoming more perilous, Hunter must decide who to trust before her next mission becomes her last. (I like how you reworded this in the comment)

    First 250 Words:
    I was a type one telepath, a mind reader. (Agree that this first line needs to be stronger and more of a hook.) I found the trail in people’s thoughts that led me to the bounty. (Don’t tell us what she can do–show us) Currently I was freezing to death in the middle of Seattle Washington, where the sun didn’t shine and the rain came and went like waves on the shore. I was searching for a mark that was proving to be a pain in my ass. It had been three weeks since we had taken the job and today was the closest we had been to finding her, to finding Dawn Miles.

    My heart skipped a beat when the com in my ear buzzed. “Hunter, we’re running out of time. You know what happens if someone else gets to Miles before we do. All this work would be for nothing.”

    In the bounty hunter line of work, you never knew who else was out there searching for the same prize, especially when one paid as well as this did. I exhaled and tried to calm my nerves. This one wasn’t going to get away.

    “I’m trying. There are a lot of minds to sift through.” I spoke quietly to my partner Bear, trying not to look like a crazy person. My mind was lost in the sea of people, drifting through their inner monologues, almost losing myself in their stories. Sweat dripped from my temples as I pulled myself from almost passing out. (Love how you immediately dive us into how her ability works and through her eyes)

    Hope this helps! Keep at it–this would go on my TBR list!

    Like

    • Thanks Mara for stopping by. I will work on the “Partner” part in my query today and see what I can come up with. I’ve also been working on my opening line from suggestions I’ve gotten here. I’m hoping it will be stronger the next time you see it. 🙂

      Like

  6. Wonderful premise with excellent advice on how to make it a stronger piece. Although 16 year old bounty hunters do seem a bit young, in an alternate universe anything’s a go. Good luck and congratulations on your participation in Son of a Pitch – your hard work speaks volumes regarding your courage and willingness to follow your dreams and achieve your goals!

    Like

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